JOHNHOJ: The First One
by Sycho Seth Burns
Summary: Welcome all who dare venture into this... let's call it an "experience". Join our ultimate underachieving "here" JOHNHOJ (Yes, that's his name, you didn't read it wrong) as he reluctantly defends humanity against a man who is the personification of evil itself. Let's just hope JOHNHOJ doesn't get himself killed too quick now, it definately wouldn't be the first time...
1. Life, Death, Taxes, and JOHNHOJ

This story begins in a house not unlike yours or mine... unless of course you live in a cardboard box, if so, I applaud your decision to use your hard earned money to buy a computer instead of a place to live. Anyways, this modern middle-class quality home is owned by the "hero" of this story, I put hero in quotation marks because I question the label "hero" and it's association with this man. JOHNHOJ is the name of this man who lives here, he doesn't talk often and goes out even less. That is why he has no friends and hasn't kissed a woman since the last wedding he attended 38 years ago. That flower girl was hot, but JOHNHOJ later found out that she was actually a prostitute hired for the bachelor party.

JOHNHOJ was sitting in his recliner while watching the news. He was a man of color, brown to be exact and had short black hair, he was wearing a pretty trashy wife beater underneath a faded flannel jacket which hasn't been in a laundry room since the last year's tax collection. JOHNHOJ wasn't really paying attention to the TV, he had more pressing things to think about. He was down on his luck, was broke, and had to deal with the 35 credit cards he hasn't been able to pay off. This is where applying for an art college usually gets you. He wasn't without talent, he just had talent in every field other than what he can apply for. "I don't know what to do... I need to get money somehow and fast. If only there was a quick easy way to get money fast. Wait, the TV..." JOHNHOJ said this not because a once in a lifetime opportunity came on about a job that JOHNHOJ had be wanting to get for years came on, it was because he hadn't paid the electricity bill and the TV turned off. "Damn! Well, I might as well shove off into the world and find a living or starve to death... again".

Now, I haven't told JOHNHOJ's whole life story yet. JOHNHOJ is immortal, yeah, just throwing that out now. He was supposed to be the savior of the world or some crap like that. I've honestly forgotten and he probably has too. The thing is, JOHNHOJ wasn't very good at saving the world. To be frank, if it was a Special ED class, he'd be getting solid Ds. Even with the No Kid Left Behind program he'd be failing. He could do the State Test and get a perfect score by absolute chance and still get held back because of his atrocious grades from the rest of the year. He just wasn't very good at saving the world. A fish looks dumb trying to climb a tree, a JOHNHOJ looks dumb trying to save the world. That's how it has always been, and in JOHNHOJ's mind that's how it'll always be.

JOHNHOJ put on a baseball cap on and went outside, he didn't lock the door because realistically there wasn't anything there to steal. Other than a bunch of Three Stooges VHS tapes and some too far gone coupons for a free sundae at Braum's there was nothing of real value in his home. JOHNHOJ walked through the streets of Chicago looking for an opportunity to make some cash. By that I mean he ducked into the nearest alleyway when he saw someone even remotely suspicious, man or woman. If you didn't know, Chicago isn't exactly "safe". It has some of the most restrictive gun laws, but it also has the most gun related violence. Just this year, 449 people were killed by getting shot and 2,480 were wounded. About 42 people in Chicago were surprised by these statistics. While walking about, JOHNHOJ really took in his situation, he was very much in debt and didn't have many options, either die by starvation for the 54,000,000 time in his life or get a way of living. While he was pondering this he noticed something happening in an alleyway much like the previous ones he had hid in, except this one had people in it. "What's this?" He questioned to nobody in particular, "there's some crooks robbing an old lady in there!" This was the time to act, he had to do something now or regret it forever.

After helping those nice young men beat up the old lady and receiving his share, he had a breakthrough in his pondering, "While robbing people gets me money pretty easily, I could get it in another way, possibly in a more ethical way too, what if I try using my God-given power for good?" Maybe he could be a hero that this city wants, no... a hero they need! "Good job, me." He said, "It's time to change my ways for the better, and make lots of money while doing it." He would become a vigilante, a dashing rogue who defended the every-man whose just trying to get by! He would find out that was not that simple.

His first "outing" so to say occurred an outstanding record of exactly one minute and thirty five seconds later while he was heading home. He saw two low-life hooligans trying to bust into a car with a clothes hanger, needless to say they hadn't been very successful in their endeavors for they had been going at it for the last few days. "Hey!" JOHNHOJ stated in a raised tone of voice, "You shouldn't manhandle automobiles in such a brutish manner as that!" JOHNHOJ later realized that this wasn't the most intimidating phrase to shout at criminals. "Yeah? What are you gonna do about it old man!?" said the disgruntled thug on the right of JOHNHOJ. JOHNHOJ was not prepared to answer such a question as this, so he just stood there. The miffed man on the left of JOHNHOJ took this as the opportunity to strike, and did just that. Since JOHNHOJ wasn't paying attention to the miffed man the punch missed, because it's harder to hit someone when they don't know you're there. JOHNHOJ rushed the disgruntled thug with a flurry of furious flying fists and knocked him up and over the car. "That wasn't supposed to happen", thought JOHNHOJ. The miffed man got up, the sound of his struggling alerting JOHNHOJ to his presence. The miffed man kicked him in the gut, lifted JOHNHOJ onto his shoulders, AND POWERBOMBED HIM THROUGH THE CAR! "Neither was that..." Thought JOHNHOJ before passing out.

JOHNHOJ woke up as you do after being powerbombed, mildly sore. "AHHHH, THAT HURT!" He yelled. He searched his surroundings to find that he was in a dark room with a single light bulb above his head. He was also tied to an uncomfortable wooden chair. "This is definitely not good" he said to himself. "Indeed it isn't, you sluggish simpleton." This voice he heard sounded like one that promised pain, so he wisely ignored the less than nice jab at his intelligence. "Who are you?" He tried to ask politely as possible. "A man who doesn't appreciate meddlers and you've gotten my attention, and not in a pleasant way." The unnamed man stepped forward into the light to reveal a man of great stature. Some would call him handsome and well dressed. With the mysterious air that surrounded him and the dark blue suit he wore. He was tall, at least 6'6 and slender, his legs were long compared to the rest of his body which would be funny in theory but JOHNHOJ wasn't laughing. His hair was black, greasy, and strangely unruly. The two most striking features however were his skin and eyes. His skin was so pale that you would be able to buy that he hasn't seen the light of day in years. His eyes a bright green and seemed to pierce JOHNHOJ's very soul.

The man examined JOHNHOJ and was unimpressed with what he was seeing. "This man beat up the disgruntled thug?" He thought, "Thug isn't the strongest man alive, but he isn't a pushover." So he asked the man, "What is your name?" JOHNHOJ answered the only way he could, which is honestly "JOHNHOJ". The man raised a single eyebrow "Really?" He asked, "Really." JOHNHOJ said. "You're parents are sadistic." The man said. JOHNHOJ had no disagreements with this statement. "Well, I've told you my name so what's yours?" "Jimmy Jam." JOHNHOJ did not know what to say to this. "Excuse me?" JOHNHOJ asked. "I said Jimmy Jam." The now named man said. "You're parents don't seem any better than mine." "At least mine isn't in uppercase all the time." Again, JOHNHOJ had to agree with what this man said. "So what are you going to do to me?" JOHNHOJ asked. "Kill you" Jimmy answered simply. The room brightened to show a multitude of blades and saws coming out of the walls. Jimmy Jam walked over to the opposite side of the room, opens the door, and went through. He appears in a window giving Jimmy Jam a view of the carnage that's about to happen. Jimmy turned on a speaker and asked "Any last words before you're cut to into a multitude of slabs of meat, JOHNHOJ?" "Ah... um... so long and thanks for all the fish?" JOHNHOJ said. "Sorry author, referencing better pieces of literature won't help JOHNHOJ nor you."

Author: D:

The next view minutes were filled with JOHNHOJ's cries of agony, the sounds of buzzsaws, and the tearing of flesh. Jimmy Jam stopped the cursed machine and surveyed the scene before him, he quickly deduced that JOHNHOJ was in fact dead. "It might take The Cleaner longer than a few seconds to clean this mess up." Almost like a phantom, the horrendous spector known as the'cleaner' showed up behind Jimmy Jam and, without a word, went into the room to start cleaning. The cleaner was even taller than Jimmy Jam, it was 6'10 and didn't have a name, at least to Jimmy's knowledge. The cleaner didn't talk, so Jimmy wouldn't know. The cleaner wore a giant black cloak, wore black gloves, a black Panama hat, and strangely enough, and an off putting black plague mask. The mask was the most frightening part of this... thing. It was made of leather and had metal buttons keeping it together. Jimmy didn't know if the cleaner was a man or woman, so he just called it The Cleaner. Jimmy made sure to stay on the safe side of it. He also made sure to be nice as possible to it, and he always paid it handsomely for it's work. $150,000 for this job will be no skin off of his nose. He was brought out of his thinking by The Cleaner tapping him on his shoulder. "What seems to be the problem?" The cleaner pointed to one of the organs lying on the floor, it was JOHNHOJ's heart... it was still beating. "That's... strange. Although a heart continues to beat as long as it has oxygen so it's not that surprising, if you would please dispose of that for me I'd appreciate it." In a matter of seconds The Cleaner cleared the room of the blood, organs, and clothes quickly. The Cleaner put all of the leftover human anatomy into a white bag. Jimmy Jam paid it and then it left.

JOHNHOJ was dead... again, hey, at least it wasn't by starvation again! :D JOHNHOJ woke up in a dump, he took note of his lack of a body at the moment. He was, in fact, only a head. He's died before, but he's usually in one piece when he wakes back up so this was a very difficult pickle he was in. Then, he heard some rustling, "Is that my arm?" He asked out loud. It was indeed his arm, and the rest of his body and organs were coming toward him. Slowly, his body put itself together. "That doesn't usually happen." JOHNHOJ said. After his body got put back together, he laid there on the ground. Not because he's lazy, but because he currently couldn't move his limbs. It's not like he can just get back up fifteen minutes after getting slice n' diced by a giant medieval blender.

He laid there for quite some time contemplating how badly he got his ass whipped. After some thinking he realized that it was really embarrassing for JOHNHOJ. Granted, it was his first outing into the world of crime stopping, but it was pretty bad. He got beat up by some dudes who couldn't break into a car and then got killed, all in all not a very good start. The feeling in his body started to come back and then he got up to stretch his muscles and dust his clothes off. "Well, I obviously have to do something about this 'Jimmy Jam' character, but what? It obviously didn't go very well the first time,,, he beat my hind end and I wasn't even gunning for him!". Although it pained JOHNHOJ to think this, he needed to step up and, unfortunately so, be the dumb and in-over-his-head hero of this shit-show of a story. "I probably won't get paid very much for this either." Reluctantly, JOHNHOJ started home to see if he can rest after getting mutilated.

* * *

 **So here we are, first story and all that jazz. Can't say I really know much about where this is going, to be honest I wrote half of this when I was stuck in a Mazzio's parking lot for an hour with free wifi and nothing else to do. If you want more just wait for a while, it'll come when it's ready. If you have any criticisms, please, do tell me. Whatever you want to say that you think will make this... thing... better, just say it.**


	2. Bringing The Fight Around Town

JOHNHOJ arrived home just in time to eat holographic meatloaf for dinner. It was delicious. Now all he had to do is see if he can find anything on Jimmy Jam. So he went over to his cardboard box with a screen drawn onto it to look up info. On the beforementioned Jammer. What he found was... frightening to say the least. Jimmy Jam wasn't an amatuer, that was for sure. Jimmy Jam had been convicted 42 crimes in total in his three year long criminal career and has allegedly gotten away with twice that amount. Twenty-two charges of illegal substance trafficking, thirteen charges of purposeful manslaughter, 10 charges of human trafficking, and one charge of unwarranted knick-knack patty whack on an unsuspecting bovine civilian.

Now that JOHNHOJ knew who he was dealing with, he realized that he was shouldn't had gotten out of bed yesterday. "Maybe I should move out of Chicago completely, how the hell am I going to stop a crime-lord in training?" JOHNHOJ couldn't think up an answer to this question he asked to no one in particular. "I don't have anyone to help me, there isn't anyone I know who would even stand up to a schoolyard bully let alone a murderer!" JOHNHOJ got up from his computer chair and slowly sauntered over into his kitchen to puzzle over his predicament so more. "Jimmy doesn't know that I'm alive, he probably thinks that my chopped up body is slowly decaying in that dump he dropped my limbs off to. I could just leave and never have to deal with him again..." JOHNHOJ looked out his window to the city streets. He pondered this for only but a fleeting moment, for he knew, "No matter how selfish I am, I have to protect my home. After all, it's the only one I've had for about five hundred years or so."

JOHNHOJ prepared himself for the insanely stupid adventure he is about to make himself suffer through, and since he really had no weapons it didn't take very long. Just when JOHNHOJ was about to leave he thought of something, 'I don't know where Jimmy is...'. This may hamper JOHNHOJ's quest a little, "Well" JOHNHOJ muttered to himself, "How do I find a man who would mostly likely never want to be found?" Unfortunately JOHNHOJ will have to do some human interaction in some low places to get the whereabouts of the sinister Jimmy Jam.

The local law-breaker hangout was a small joint named "This Ain't Your Mama's Criminal Bar". The connection between crime and this bar is lost on the police force, whenever that's intentional or not is up for debate. Now the amount of crime in this area alone was enough to keep any smart person far away. JOHNHOJ is not one of them, he unfortunately is under the misunderstanding that he can actually beat Jimmy Jam. Of course first he'll have to ask some of the local serial killers about where to find the Jam Man. Now all he has to do is get to the front door, which he currently has yet to do. 'I'm not sure how to go about this, this place is notorious for people entering and never coming out.' JOHNHOJ stared at the broken-down looking mess of what resembled a building, but past its expiration date by a couple years, for a little longer than finally dragged himself in. The inside was much worse than the outside, with the main color being reddish-brown practically everywhere, most furniture being close to breaking, the lighting was so poor he could barely make out faces, and nasty looking figures all around the place.

JOHNHOJ struggled to make his way through the dimly lit place looked around until he noticed something that made him uneasy, the two men from before that had beat him up were there, and were right in front of him. Before he could try to leave, one of them turned around and saw him, "Hey! Whatta you think your doin' huh!?" The other man turned around and got up, "You ain't getting out of here that easily..." JOHNHOJ closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable beatdown. "… Until you sit down and have a drink with your old pals!" 'Wait what?' JOHNHOJ thought while being pulled into a seat. "We haven't seen you for some time, Jason!" The Miffed Man said. 'Jason? That's not my name... they must have me mixed up with someone else, can't blame them since it's so dark in here.' "Hey, get three of your best drinks over this direction!" The Disgruntled Thug said to the Bartender. "Hey um, guys, I do really want to stay but I do have places to be so I'll just-" "Come on now," said The Miffed Man, "You just got here and now you won't even talk to your friends? You haven't even addressed us by our names the whole time we've been here!" JOHNHOJ froze 'I don't know their real names, I've always just thought of them as Disgruntled Thug and Miffed Man! Hell, I don't even know what they look like due to my short first run in with them and with the current darkness of this place!' "… You do know our names right?" The Miffed Man asked. "Um..." Was all that JOHNHOJ could muster for an answer. "I didn't think that you'd actually forget us, but it has been five years since you've seen us." The Disgruntled Thug said. "See, I'm Wayne, and this," the newly named Wayne pointed to The Miffed Man, "Is David, remember now?". "AH yes!" JOHNHOJ said, "yes, David and Wayne, how could I forget?! You know, how about we leave, I'm not feeling this place." "But we haven't gotten our drinks yet.". "It doesn't matter, let's go do something fun!" Wayne and David exchanged a look towards each other than followed JOHNHOJ out of the place.

Only now that JOHNHOJ was outside did he see the problem with this, those criminals are definitely going to recognize him. He knew this because he could see Wayne and David clearly now that they were in the streets in the light of the street lamps. Both men were white and appeared to be both 19 or 20 years old. They were of, if not a little below, average height. Wayne was probably about 5'1 and David was 5'0 or 4'11. Wayne had dark Auburn hair that was cut in a 'smart style', he was wearing a plain white button up shirt with the sleeves rolled up, blue jeans, and white sneakers. David had dark brown hair in an Ivy League style. His shirt was like that of Wayne's except it was short-sleeved so he didn't have to roll them up. His jeans were also blue, but the ends were rolled upward, showing his black loafers. Now enough of describing what they are wearing, because they weren't to happy looking right now. "Hey, you ain't Jason!" Exclaimed Wayne, "You're that JOHNHOJ guy we beat up in that parking lot!". "How'd you survive?" Asked David, "Jimmy said he cut you up and sent you to the dump." "You work for Jimmy Jam?" JOHNHOJ asked. "Enough questions, let's fight asswipe!" Wayne yelled.

Song for fight scene here: watch?v=D05qFtmRMlE

'Well shit' JOHNHOJ thought as Wayne threw a punch at his face, knocking him to the ground. "I'm gonna break every bone in your scrawny little body, ya freak!" David stepped back from the fight and pulled something out of his pocket! It... was a slingshot... well it could've been worse. "see how you like this, you freakin' nerd!" JOHNHOJ was just getting off the ground when a small rock struck him in the shoulder, "Ow, that fucking hurt!" JOHNHOJ yelled. Wayne grabbed JOHNHOJ by the collar and started punching him in the face, but JOHNHOJ retaliated with a headbutt! Wayne fell to the ground, but before he could capitalize on this, David shot another rock at him. JOHNHOJ was furious. "Damn it! All right, I'm going to have to kick your ass now!" "You'll have to catch me first, NERD!" David taunted. David sprinted away and JOHNHOJ took chase, Wayne got up and quickly followed. JOHNHOJ had trouble keeping up with David, David kept crossing the street onto the opposite sidewalk, which caused JOHNHOJ to either hit or be hit by a couple cars. "Oh god, I shouldn't of *gasp* quit *cough* the track *wheeze* team!". While catching his breath he was hit by yet another rock, which pushed him into a passing food cart. This caused a combination of screams, exploding food, and pain for everyone involved in the accident. except for David. "Come on! At least TRY to catch me!" David said while running around a corner. JOHNHOJ got up and cleaned himself off, and then heard a voice. "You betta run, 'cause if I catch you, your done, over, FINISHED!" It was Wayne, he had catched up to JOHNHOJ. 'Crap, I don't have time for this. David will get away if I stop now.' So JOHNHOJ continued his chase. He ran around the corner, but immediately tripped over marbles. "Ha Ha Haa! Walk much?" David ran across the street again while JOHNHOJ got hit in the back of the head while getting up. "Ready to met your maker? Ha HA!" 'Alright, I'm done with this punk.' JOHNHOJ got up, punched Wayne in the head, and then kicked him in the balls! "OOOAAAHHHhh, my freakin' balls..." Wayne said as he hit the ground. "Okay, now where'd that other strong-armer go?" He got his answer with a rock to the kneecap and a obnoxious laugh. "Hahahaha Ha *snort* ha ha! Some hero you are, COME ON, I'm right here!" JOHNHOJ resumed his pursuing of David through the streets of Chicago.

They ran past the Ameristar Casino and ended up in the Pyro industrial area. They ran all the way through until the reached some miscellaneous working equipment. David climbed a set up ladder and upon reaching the top pulled the ladder up with him. "You really do care, don't you?" David asked. "Yeah I do," JOHNHOJ answered, "and I won't stop until I stop Jimmy Jam's crime spree and get him and everyone works for him in jail for what they've done!". "Well we'll just see about that, JOHNHOJ!" David fired his slingshot at JOHNHOJ and hit him right between the eyes. "Okay, enough of this!" JOHNHOJ sayed as he grabbed a lid off of a nearby trashcan. David fired again, but the next shot was blocked by the lid. "Hey, that's cheating!" David exclaimed. Then a third voice entered the conversation. "Hang on man, I got your back!". A fist hit JOHNHOJ in the back of the head and when JOHNHOJ turned around to hit Wayne, but then a rock hit him in the back. "When we're done with you, you're jaw will be wired shut, and you'll be drinking liquified food through a STRAW!" JOHNHOJ kicked Wayne's feet from under him and started punching him, until of course he got hit with another rock. "You can't mess with Jimmy's crew, you homeless sack of crap!" JOHNHOJ grabbed a nearby brick, jumped to his feet, and hurled the brick at David and hit him in the chest nearly knocking him off the platform. "Ah! What are you, crazy?" David asked, "No, just pissed off!". "Hey, nobody hits my friend with a brick! Get ready for a world of pain, maggot!" Wayne was on his feet again and ready to strike. JOHNHOJ and Wayne exchanged blow after blow while David readied another shot. "I'm going to enjoy making you squirm like a nightcrawler that just got cut in half!" Wayne threw a kick towards JOHNHOJ's gut, but JOHNHOJ caught it, spinned Wayne around, and then clotheslined him down to the ground! "Ah... *cough*… I'm done, ah my head." JOHNHOJ got up and faced David... just to be hit with another rock. "You can't just do that to my friend, you've crossed the line, I hope your insured!" JOHNHOJ blocked a second shot with another trash can lid took cover behind some rubble. 'What do I do now?' JOHNHOJ looked around but didn't see another brick, but then he looked at the trash can lid he had and got an idea. 'If I can hit this shot, I could beat him...' JOHNHOJ took a quick breath, got up, and readied himself for another shot. David shot another rock, which was deflected. "Heh, you've been good so far, for a cripple! But get ready, because after I beat you I'll make you eat a pile of rotten leaves, Ha Ha HAA!". "Enough, get ready to be knocked down a peg!" JOHNHOJ threw the trash can lid and hit David in the forehead, which caused him to fall off the platform. "AAAHHH, UGH! Oaaahh, my ribs..." JOHNHOJ trudged over to David. "OKAY, YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH YET!?". "Yes, please just lay off, *cough*." "Alright then, now tell me where Jimmy Jam is!" JOHNHOJ demanded. "Look, I don't know where he is, but I do know who can tell you, *cough cough*. There's two men who work around Orland Park, it's a about 37-38 miles east from here." Answered David. "Good, now if I find out your lying, I'll find you, and give you more pain." "Ha, tough luck hero. Chances are, Jimmy will know about this soon. And believe me, when he finds out, you won't want to be you.". "Whatever punk, I'm not scared."

He was VERY scared, but nonetheless he head out to start the next part of his journey.

* * *

 **What did you think of the fight scene? I didn't expect it to take up about have this chapter, but I hope the music made up for it! :D  
Also, if you have any CONSTRUCTIVE criticism I would appreciate it. Stay tuned, for this story is just starting to get going!**


	3. A Shitty Goose Chase Starts

JOHNHOJ was about halfway to his destination before he had to stop at a trashy-looking motel called the "Upside Down Frown Motel" and below that sign was a smaller sign that read: "Now with 10% less mugging!". Not exactly ideal, but it would have to do, since walking around this place in the dark wasn't very fun-sounding and it had been a long time since he has slept in an actual bed. He entered the place and quickly got himself a room. While heading towards his room he heard various events happening in other rooms in this motel, from a room that had a suspicious amount of smoke coming out from under the door, another room playing obnoxiously loud music (which would unfortunately for him would continue playing for 18 hours.). It was going to be a long stay at this dump for JOHNHOJ while he rests for the next search of Jimmy Jam.

* * *

Jimmy Jam stared down at the city of Chicago in a mix of bitterness and melancholy. He had lived in this God-awful part of Chicago for his entire life and had been rewarded with nothing but unwarranted pain and sadness for it. From multiple ambushes from the local low-life as a kid to unloving family members, he almost always got the short end of the stick, he never asked to be here, but that was out of his control; and while he could leave at anytime, he felt the need to stay. He felt that he needed to repay this city for its 'generosity'. Jimmy exhaled and walked back inside, leaving the rooftop. "I'll make this city mine, and make the world see its own horrible reflection." Jimmy walked onto a balcony and looked throughout the massive room his was in and observed the work his employees were working tirelessly to finish their tasks. Then suddenly Jimmy's phone rang. He picked up his phone answered it. "Jimmy sir?" Jimmy recognized the voice as Davis. "What is it Davis?". "I-I just wanted to apologize for Wade and I's failure and-" Jimmy cut him off. "Save the apology Davis, I'm not mad. There is definitely something up with that JOHNHOJ guy, I killed him not two days ago and now he's running around messing with my operation. I'm just clueless as to how he could be back, I saw him die, no man could survive what I did to him. 'Except...'. "His heart." "Excuse me?" Davis said. "When I butchered JOHNHOJ, I noticed that his heart was still beating. The two men were quiet for awhile until Davis asked, "Sir, are you telling me that you think that this JOHNHOJ guy is immortal or something?" "If the man you fought is the same person, then that could be a possibility." "Okay then…..Well sir, I'll just leave you to do... whatever you do at this time of the night." Davis hung up and Jimmy stood in his office for a little while longer, before eventually leaving.

* * *

JOHNHOJ meanwhile was leaving the motel he was at, due to the provided breakfast he had hissed at him. He had checked out of the motel and was know heading towards Orland Park to see if he could find the two men Davis talked about. Davis had told JOHNHOJ that the two men he was looking for frequently met at a place called The Thug Tug, so JOHNHOJ walked around the town looking for the place. JOHNHOJ finally saw a sign that said The Thug Tug and the sign pointed towards a... Boat-shaped building? "How did a boat get here, and why did they turn it into a bar? Well, I guess that isn't the strangest thing I've seen so I better just not think about it too much.". The Thug Tug was a giant building and was literally just a tug boat turned into a bar. The windows were huge and circular, making it truly a sight to behold. Just then, JOHNHOJ heard something. *Glass breaks* "AHHHHH!" *SPLAT* As JOHNHOJ looked upon the bruised and broken body of that poor man who was just flung through the window closest to JOHNHOJ, he started to have second thoughts about entering this establishment.

Thug Tug Theme: watch?v=8yLhA0ROGi4

JOHNHOJ hesitantly peered through one of the giant circle-shaped windows to see exactly what he was dealing with. The first thing he noticed was that the place was huge, the main color scheme was a very dirty looking brown, and the tables appeared to be made of very badly carved wood. There was a dozen people laying on the ground, whenever they had been beat up, passed out from drinking too much, or both was hard to tell. There were about 4 different fights happening, the rest of the patrons not paying much attention to said fights. There was one person who was eating... a bowl of nails. 'Without any milk' JOHNHOJ thought in horror. JOHNHOJ sat down outside in front of the window and thought over his options. 'Definitely can't just ask if anyone knows two men in the area work for Jimmy Jam'. "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT!?" *Sounds of a beatdown in progress* "WAAAAHHHUHAAA!" 'Yeah, I'll definitely get beat up for doing that.'. JOHNHOJ decided that if he was going to do this, he'll have to really man up... and hope that by the end of this that he still has his guts inside of his body.

JOHNHOJ stood at the door for a while before opening the door and marching in. Immediately everyone stopped what they were doing and glared at him, even the guy who was thrown out the window someone flew back through the same window and landed inside and started scowling at him. "*Cough cough* Um... uh," The glaring intensified "I need to use the restroom." One guy spoke up, "It's right over there." The one man pointed to a door at the far side and JOHNHOJ sprinted towards it and went inside. "Oh God, how the hell am I supposed to do this without getting thrashed around with a blunt object?" JOHNHOJ heard a noise of the restroom's door being open and hid in the last stall, hoping that one of the men didn't come in here to teach him a lesson for walking into The Thug Tug in an incorrect manner. "Trent said that he went into the bathroom." "I hope so Troy, I love a good fight and I NEED to show off my new Crane style.". 'Aw crap, they're looking for me... I got to sneak out of here and try to find Jimmy's location.' JOHNHOJ quietly got on top of the toilet in case they only look under the stall. "I'll check the stalls, you guard the door until we're done." JOHNHOJ heard the first stall get kicked in and panicked, 'Soon my stall will get checked and then I'm done for! If only the stalls didn't go all the way to the ceiling, then maybe I could go into one of the other stalls.' One by one, each stall got kicked in until it got to his. "Okay JOHNHOJ, we know you're here. You made your last mistake when picking a fight with Jimmy and you WILL REGRET IT!" The man kicked in the door... but there wasn't anything there. "Wait what? I thought that... Troy you said that Trent saw him go into here!" "He did Ethan, I don't know where he could be." While they were talking, JOHNHOJ was trying to not fall. Since the stalls went all the way up the ceiling, he was somehow able to suspend himself out of sight. He saw that Ethan was wearing the same white shirt and blue jeans that Wade and Davis were wearing. 'Maybe that's some sort of uniform that they wear?" Ethan was black like JOHNHOJ and had a short hair that was curly, but you could barely tell that from looking at it. JOHNHOJ could see Troy in the mirror, Troy was wearing the same clothes and he has short dark orange hair. "I don't know where he's at Troy, maybe Trent saw wrong.". "I don't know, this is confusing me, let's go." Once they left, JOHNHOJ fell down and hit the toilet. Once he recovered from that embarrassing moment, he walked out of the restroom.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE WASN'T IN THERE!?" The man yelling was Trent, he had blond hair that was styled into curtains, blue eyes, and was wearing the same white shirt and jeans as the other four. "Sorry Trent, I guess you just saw wrong or something." Ethan said. "Well that's just great, what an unbelievably boring adventure. This was a waste of our time, I'd beat the informant if I didn't have lines to memorize. Let's go boys." Unfortunately for our hero, he came out of the restroom right in front of the goons. "Wait, there he is! I told you I saw JOHNHOJ walk into the restroom!" 'Crap' JOHNHOJ thought. "Hey, don't go anywhere" Trent said as he walked closer to him, "I just have to tell you something." JOHNHOJ didn't buy this, and decided to do something to cause a distraction. JOHNHNOJ picked up a stool and threw it at a table, hitting the man eating a bowl of nails in the face. "Hey, who's the wise-guy who threw that?" JOHNHOJ pointed at Trent and in a matter of seconds a fight started in the Thug Tug.

Brawl Music: watch?v=Eepb87i_DMU

While the goons were busy with fighting some patrons, JOHNHOJ tried to sneak out, but he couldn't get to the entrance due to the sheer number of people fighting. Chairs, stools, mugs, and occasionally people were flying through the air. So JOHNHOJ had to do one thing to get through the crowd and that was fight his way through. JOHNHOJ whacked some guy in the back of the head and dodged a flying stool, but ended up tripping on a mug. 'Well, it could've been worse.' Then someone stepped on his hand. "AH, fuck my hand hurts!" JOHNHOJ held his hand in pain while getting up. "Lose your glasses dipstick? GET OUT OF MY WAY!" JOHNHOJ turned around and saw Trent toss a smaller man away while moving towards him. JOHNHOJ turned around and shoved his way closer to the door. "HAHAHA, THIS IS FUN!" Troy yelled while punching some random patron. "TROY, STOP BEATING UP RANDOM PEOPLE AND GET JOHNHOJ!". "Oh... yeah, LET'S GET HIM!" 'Now two of the three of those guys are chasing me, great.' JOHNHOJ tried to rush to the door, but was stopped by Ethan. "You didn't think you were getting out that easily, did you?" Ethan asked. "Um, I was hoping maybe I could leave." JOHNHOJ answered. "Man I can sense you're scared, get ready because I'm going to use every style I know to bring you pain!" Ethan jumped up and kicked JOHNHOJ, sending him into the middle of the room. "Man, I didn't actually think I would be able to do that kick yet, COOL!". JOHNHOJ got up and noticed most of the brawl had went outside and that Ethan, Trent, and Troy surrounded JOHNHOJ. "Why do you have to beat me up?". "Because, it's incredibly amusing!" Troy said. Trent looked at Troy then said, "Actually, it's because we need to get you to Jimmy Jam, he wants to have a chat with you over the whole coming back from the dead thing." Trent explained. "No more messin' around, let's fight!" Troy yelled.

Main Fight Theme: watch?v=XyS-Qo0ZIFs

Troy picked up JOHNHOJ and punched him in the stomach and then his face, knocking him towards Trent who grabbed him from behind and held JOHNHOJ's arms up so Troy could punch him some more. "It's time for a good flattening." Troy said before throwing a couple punches into JOHNHOJ's gut while JOHNHOJ struggled to break free. 'This isn't good, I got to fight back. Well, it's an underhanded tactic but it works.' JOHNHOJ lifted his leg up and connected with Troy's testicles. "Oh boy, not the hot spot!" Troy fell to the ground in pain while JOHNHOJ threw the same leg in the opposite direction. "You stupid piece of...Aaauuhh." Trent fell in a similar way leaving only JOHNHOJ and Ethan for the time being. "Man, you got no style! Going for low blows, have you ever heard of honor pal?". JOHNHOJ looked at him and simply said, "It's not pretty, but a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do." Ethan ran towards him and aimed a kick at JOHNHOJ's head. Of course, JOHNHOJ did not block it and instead got a kick right to the side of his face. JOHNHOJ held his head of pain while Ethan threw an elbow toward him, JOHNHOJ was fast enough to get out of the way and then launched a kick of his own in the general direction of Ethan's knee. General being the key word, seeing that JOHNHOJ missed the knee and hit Ethan's shin instead. "OW! You know, ah damn, you're supposed to hit the knee not the shin dumbass." JOHNHOJ did in fact know this, he was just a poor fighter. JOHNHOJ then felt a sharp pain on the inside of his knee, Troy had gotten up and kicked JOHNHOJ in the said area. While JOHNHOJ thought about how this couldn't get any worse something happened, a truck drove into the front of The Thug Tug. The brawl outside had escalated and some patron had decided that his car would be a helpful weapon in the fight, but misdirected his attack and ended up creating another window in The Thug Tug.

The car flew over the four men toward the bartender who had been standing at the front of the place who was cleaning cups while this was happening, the car missed the man by a couple of feet and hit a pyramid of 100 cups which had taken the man 10 hours to create. It was the pyramid's last day until retirement as well, which made the unnecessary casualty even more heartbreaking. As the bartender mourned the loss of his pyramid, a crack started climbing up the wall behind the counter due to the car smashing into the wall. The crack went to the ceiling and traveled to a chandelier that was above the four men. The chandelier disconnected from the ceiling and landed on its unlucky victim, Ethan. Although he didn't die, the pain of a chandelier falling on your head would make you want to die. JOHNHOJ was the first of the three men left in the fight to get up. JOHNHOJ looked around until he saw what he was looking for, a wooden chair. He picked it up the chair and smashed it onto Troy's back as he was getting up. "OW! Uh... I'm on the ground... I'm going to get up now." This time JOHNHOJ broke the chair over Troy's head. "Ah, tell my Dad that... Nah, nevermind." JOHNHOJ turned around to deal with Trent, but as always he got punched in the face. "Did your dirtbag parents teach you any manners? You can't just mess around with me, JOHNHOJ!" Trent picked JOHNHOJ by his collar and repeatedly punched JOHNHOJ in various parts of his body and then threw him into a nearby table, causing JOHNHOJ to flip into and then over the table. JOHNHOJ slowly and painfully got up. "Come on, I've already gone through enough smackdowns to last multiple lifetimes, why do I have to get beat up so much?". "Boo hoo. You hear that JOHNHOJ? It's the world's smallest violin playing just for you." JOHNHOJ looked at Trent in annoyance, "You know, out of all of Jimmy's minions that I've met you are the biggest asshole out of all of them. Even Davis and his slingshot didn't get me as angry as you do." Trent smirked at him, "Oh man, you're breaking my heart. I may just cry, too bad I left my handkerchief at home.". JOHNHOJ got up and barely dodged a punch from Trent and retaliated with a headbutt. Trent was stunned for a second and then he scowled at JOHNHOJ. Trent kicked at JOHNHOJ, getting him in the gut. Trent went to the bar counter while JOHNHOJ was stunned, picked up a stool and went over to JOHNHOJ, and swung hard towards JOHNHOJ. However JOHNHOJ was able to catch the stool. JOHNHOJ then pushed the stool into Trent's face. The sound of a crack and a scream subsequently followed. JOHNHOJ wrestled the stool away from Trent and looked at the damage he had done. The force of his push made the stool ram right into Trent's nose, breaking it. Trent held his nose for a while then his eyes grew wide and then stared furiously at JOHNHOJ. "Guess you're not addicted to breathing, huh?" Trent grabbed the stool and wretched it out of JOHNHOJ's hands and then smashed it over his head. "I hope you regret doing what you did to me JOHNHOJ, because now I feel the need to KILL!" Trent grabbed a piece of the now destroyed stool and started beating JOHNHOJ with it. Suddenly, an explosion happened at the bar counter. The car that crashed had caught on fire while the fight was happening, and due to cheap action movie logic any car on fire must explode. So it did. The explosion caused a rouge plank of wood to fly right towards Trent, hitting him in the back of his head. This being the second time JOHNHOJ was saved by completely unrelated circumstances.

[You can stop playing the fight music if you were playing it.]

JOHNHOJ slowly got up and surveyed the damage done in The Thug Tug. The bartender had left the place once the car started going up in flames. Trent, Troy, and Ethan all laid on the ground; defeated mostly by dumb luck on JOHNHOJ's part. JOHNHOJ walked over to Trent, "Okay, now that you're done fighting it's time for you to give me some answers. Now where is Jimmy Jam hiding?". Trent didn't say anything. "Come on now, you've been running your mouth the last ten minutes, now answer the question!" JOHNHOJ kicked Trent in the side for emphasis, causing Trent to moan in pain. However, Trent looked up at Trent and smirked, "Ha, you ain't nothing JOHNHOJ. I'll tell you where you can find out where Jimmy is, but remember this: Skill always beats luck, and while you're a lucky man you truly have very little skill in this type of stuff. Jimmy will eat you alive!" Trent started laughing and JOHNHOJ meanwhile was getting very tired of Trent's bullshit. JOHNHOJ stomped on Trent's stomach. "AH! Okay, okay I get it. The man who can get you to Jimmy regularly hangs out at the Ameristar Casino in East Chicago." JOHNHOJ stopped and stared at nothing in a deadpan expression, for when he heard that, he realized something. 'I was just at East Chicago, EITHER THAT PUNK DAVIS LIED TO ME OR THIS FUCKER IS RIGHT NOW!' JOHNHOJ glared at Trent and grabbed him by the collar, "Are you lying to me? Because your little friend Davis told me that to find Jimmy, I had to come here and find YOU!". "Hey HEY! Don't blame me, man! There's only one man who knows where Jimmy is, and only one man knows where that man is, and so on and so forth. It's the way Jimmy keeps himself hard to get caught by police.", "Well then Trent, rest assured that I will eventually find Jimmy!" JOHNHOJ pushed Trent back onto the ground and left The Thug Tug. To go back to the motel to get a room again.

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 **Here it is, the third shitastic chapter of JOHNHOJ: The First One. JOHNHOJ will be taking a hiatus so that I can start enough story for a while, and then I'll write a couple chapters on that then return back to this story. If anyone cares enough to critique this story, go ahead, just keep the grammar english because I can't read retard. Until next chapter, next JOHNHOJ time, same JOHNHOJ website.**


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